By Tim Parks
It goes without saying that these are not only scary times, but crazy times, with the Coronavirus looming large on everyone’s mind. Folks – yours truly included – laid off from work, cases on the rise everyday and people literally flip sh**ting out trying to snag coveted rolls of toilet paper, as if participating in some apocalyptic version of the ’90s game show Supermarket Sweep.
Not to sound all Carrie Bradshaw or something, but I couldn’t help but wonder – are we are heading towards some off-shoot of Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome?
If so, I’ve had my leather outfit hanging in my closet for years; that’s a story for another time, but you are welcome to drink up that visual because I am all about the upswing. The only ones that I can muster up in these unprecedented times are that (a) I’ve been preparing for social distancing for years and (b) that amid the seriousness the adage that “laughter is the best medicine” definitely applies.
So, with that in mind, I want to acknowledge that tried-and-true April 1st tradition of playing harmless pranks, but with a decidedly Hollywood twist of making predictions about TV shows and the like. What do you say we shelter in place to suspend reality for 1,200 words or so, seeing as I am a self-proclaimed word hooker and sometimes exceed the limit, just like my capacity for good taste and or decorum.
The Boob Tube
Macaulay Culkin has been cast in the new season of American Horror Story and it will be revealed that this year’s theme is a return to the first season, but with a twist! Culkin will be reprising his role of Kevin McAllister in AHS: Murder House Alone, as the grown-up version of his most famous role who is scarred by the parental neglect of his youth. He buys the famous haunted house and sets up even deadlier traps than he created in his childhood, assuring that he is surrounded by the ghosts of his victims and will never be Home Alone again.
Fresh off the bestselling success with her “This Smells Like My Vagina” candle, Gwyneth Paltrow will sniff out a new acting opportunity when she decides to resurrect Murder, She Wrote. But rather than do a straight up redo, the ever-enlightened actress will put her own decidedly Gwyneth spin on it. Yes, her character will still be named Jessica Fletcher as played previously by the incomparable Angela Lansbury in the original – but you probably knew that being a gay homosexual and all.
This time around, Ms. Fletcher isn’t a murder mystery author, but rather a self-help guru and host of the popular podcast She Woke! Yet, she will be surprised to be embroiled in solving crimes weekly and each episode will have “an environmentally friendly message” among the solving of the clues and corpses on the aptly titled Murder? She Woke!
Reboots will be the name of the game and there are even some getting a gay makeover! Seeing as the makers of commercials seem to receive less backlash when they feature two gay men who also have a child, there are two ’80s sitcoms geared towards that particular brand of family values.
First up is Married with Children, which will pay homage to the original, except that the “wife” on the show is a drag queen named Peg Bundy and will be played by RuPaul’s Drag Race alumni, Bob the Drag Queen. Al Bundy will be portrayed by Matt Bomer, which gives audiences, well a word similar to his last name, when he does his after-work unwinding that involves him sticking his hand down his pants. And look for Selena Gomez to co-star as Kelly and David Faustino to reprise his role as Bud Bundy. I mean it’s not like he’s busy or anything.
The once more palatable premise of a girl living with her two potential fathers, since her mother didn’t know which one had sired her love child – oh, that’s real class, Jan – is heading back to the small screen.
This time around My Two Dads goes for the laughs with a young lady (Ariana Grande) living with the titular gay couple (Neil Patrick Harris and Sean Hayes) and all of the missteps and life lessons that can be crammed into a half-hour timeframe. But the biggest lesson to be learned by all involved with the production is the hiring of Grande, who will prove to be such a diva of epic proportions that she will be replaced during season two by a sock puppet named Sparkles.
Although it is widely regarded as a huge mistake in the pantheon of all things that have emanated from a galaxy far, far away, aka the Star Wars Holiday Special, which was nothing short of being a literal sh**show. This George Lucas denounced effort showcased a not-so-seamless attempt to cash in on the blockbuster’s popularity, while also giving audiences a chance to hear Bea Arthur as a cantina owner crooning “Goodnight, But Not Goodbye.” Thank you for being a friend, indeed!
This much derided not-so-special effort is not stopping the folks at Disney+ from capitalizing on The Mandalorian’s breakout star, Baby Yoda, by having him headline his very own variety hour. What’s that you say? Yes, I know he doesn’t talk!
However, that isn’t stopping the powers-that-be from giving him a two-fold voice of talking and singing with said vocalization being provided by Billy Porter. Look for him to chart with his rendition of Kermit the Frog’s “It Isn’t Easy Being Green” and to attend The Grammy’s wearing a dress made of toilet paper crafted by Jean Paul Gaultier, who briefly comes out of retirement to create the garment.
Ear Worms
And speaking of the world of music, there are definitely some songs that will get stuck in your head in the coming year.
All of Taylor Swift’s many, many, many ex’s – damn, that girl gets around – will unite for a “We Are the World” type single to raise awareness for Chlamydia entitled “It’s Not Us, It’s You!”
Two songbirds known for their more, let’s say downtrodden approach to music, will combine their talents on a duet in an unexpected project. Adele and Lana Del Rey will dip their toes into the waters of unfamiliarity with their dance song, “Cheer Up Bitch!”
RuPaul’s Drag Race contestant Sherry Pie, who was disqualified for a catfishing scandal, will try to take the tarnish off her less than pristine reputation by releasing a cover of Shaggy’s 1999 hit single, “It Wasn’t Me.” If you think about it, that’s kinda true.
Cut! Print! That’s a Wrap!
Thank you for indulging me on this lighter side of life exercise to help combat the dark times we are in the midst of. Trust me, I am scared about the state of the world, but this proved to be a welcome distraction and I hope it had the same effect for you, dear readers. Please stay safe and remember that we are all in this together and there is strength in numbers.